Taiza Tosatt Eleoterio, a psychoanalyst who works in supporting women and families in situations of vulnerability, explains that supporting someone who is trying to leave an abusive relationship requires more patience and less urgency than may initially seem necessary, since this process rarely happens in a linear way, with progress followed by setbacks that are a natural part of the journey.
This fluctuation should not be interpreted as indecision or a lack of willingness to change, but as a legitimate part of a complex emotional process that involves much more than simply making the decision to leave.
Why Does Offering Support Require Understanding the Other Person’s Pace?
Leaving an abusive relationship involves much more than the decision itself: it may require reorganizing finances, housing, routines, and, in many cases, dealing with fear of retaliation from the partner. Pressuring someone to act quickly, even with good intentions, often increases the sense of pressure that the woman is already experiencing in other ways. Each stage of this reorganization requires its own amount of time, and trying to accelerate it from the outside often creates more resistance than cooperation.
Taiza Tosatt Eleoterio points out that respecting someone’s pace does not mean agreeing with their decision to remain in the relationship, but rather recognizing that decisions of this magnitude require practical and emotional preparation, which may not always be available at the moment the conversation takes place.
How Can You Offer Support Without Making It Sound Like an Ultimatum?
Statements such as “if you don’t leave, I can’t help you anymore” are often made out of desperation by someone observing the situation from the outside, but they tend to produce the opposite effect: instead of strengthening the support network, they can distance the woman from the very person who may be able to help her later on. This kind of ultimatum, even when motivated by genuine concern, places the burden of a decision on the victim when she may not yet feel prepared to make it.
Taiza Tosatt Eleoterio emphasizes that keeping the door open, without making support conditional on leaving immediately, is often more effective in the long term, as it preserves the trust that will be necessary when the woman is actually ready to take action.
What Should You Do If She Decides to Go Back?
It is common for a woman to return to the relationship one or more times before leaving for good. This does not mean that the person who tried to help has failed, nor does it indicate that the woman is not taking the situation seriously; it is a recognized part of the cycle of violence, and each return may bring, even silently, some form of learning about the relationship itself.
Taiza Tosatt Eleoterio explains that responding to these returns with frustration or withdrawal can reinforce the isolation that already contributes to keeping the woman in the relationship, while remaining available and nonjudgmental increases the likelihood that she will turn to this support network when she is ready to leave more permanently.
What Practical Information Can Actually Make a Difference?
Knowing in advance about social assistance resources, shelters, and support services available in the region makes it possible to provide concrete information when the woman is open to receiving it, rather than relying on generic speeches about the importance of seeking help. Having these contacts written down and ready to share when an opportunity arises prevents the information from having to be searched for in a rush precisely when the situation becomes more urgent.
Taiza Tosatt Eleoterio notes that having this type of information organized in advance, even before the woman makes a direct request, makes it easier to provide practical support without improvisation, especially when she most needs clarity about the possible next steps.
How Can You Take Care of Yourself While Supporting Someone in This Situation?
Being closely involved with someone in an abusive relationship can also take an emotional toll on the person providing support. Feeling frustrated, exhausted, or even powerless in the face of the situation is understandable and does not mean that the support being offered is not genuine. Acknowledging these feelings rather than suppressing them out of guilt can help make this support more balanced over time.
Building a support network for yourself as well, whether through other family members, friends, or professionals, can help the person providing support remain involved for longer without becoming so emotionally drained that they eventually have to step away precisely when the woman most needs their continued presence.
Why Is Listening, Rather Than Giving Advice, Often What Helps Most?
The impulse is often to offer ready-made solutions, but in many conversations, what the woman needs most is a space where she can be heard without judgment and calmly organize her own thoughts about what she is experiencing. Interrupting this process with unsolicited advice, even when well-intentioned, may make her feel less comfortable returning to share what she is feeling in future conversations.
Taiza Tosatt Eleoterio emphasizes that maintaining a quiet and available presence, without demands or deadlines, is often, in the end, the most valuable form of support one can offer a woman who is gradually finding the courage to leave an abusive relationship.
